This is a very important and a serious and long posting.
About 18 months back, I got a call from a lady here in US, whom I never met. Her entire family is very devoted to Sri Matam and she introduced herself as one of the readers and started to share her experience with her daughter’s wedding here in US. The call went for more than 2+ hours .
Apparently, they identified a boy from a very decent brahmin family, exchanged lots of communications, did the engagement followed by wedding. The communication between the boy and the girl was nothing short of great and likewise between the two families. Everything was happy. Both the families are well placed here in US – comes with decent and good educational background.
Soon after the wedding was over, the situation changed completely, the couple got into lots of fights – some of them are very typical to any families but the attitude of the boy and the family took a U-turn from the engagement etc. Girl figured out that her husband doesn’t have a job, lied about his profession, pay etc….After 6 months or so, things got worse – they got into the divorce process. Parents of the groom cited very bad reasons for the divorce and later refused to sign the papers etc. When this lady visited Kanchipuram, she even cried to Periyava and He was very pained to hear such a bad experience.
This lady was in tears when she was talking to me. I tried to console her although she is much elder to me…After that I haven’t heard from her – I forgot about her, daughter etc. Up to this point, what happened although a very sad thing – happens everywhere nowadays. You may all wonder, why post about a family’s situation…
Few days back, I got a call from her again – what she told me in the call last week was quite shocking!
Her daughter eventually got her divorce after long and ugly legal battle. She went ahead with her studies/work etc. After several months, this lady apparently got a call from another woman. She somehow found her after extensive search etc online…Apparently, their call went for 8+ hours! It turned out that this boy’s parents – right after the divorce – apparently started looking for a girl for this boy and found this new girl and they started the whole new process with this family….
Conversations, incidents happened between them was exactly like the previous ones. Same lies, same kind of messaging….In this case, he took this girl to many places within US before engagement. Engagement happened and on the night of the engagement the fight started – several of the lies were exposed..Within few days, somehow the whole engagement fell apart. At least in this case, the second girl is slightly luckier as she didn’t move past engagement. Even then, the extent to which one’s feelings are hurt can’t be measured – it takes a lot of time to heal.
If this had happened once, then I wouldn’t have bothered to post here as the fault could be with anyone. However, if this is happening repeatedly then I felt obligated to post so that parents are very careful in their marriage process. What beats me is how this boy’s parents are letting such things happen even if the boy was wrong…..Something very strange with the whole family to maintain same level of deception in both the cases.
On one hand parents all over the world are worrying about their children’s wedding process and they do 1000s of prayers and offerings etc to ensure that their lives are settled smoothly. On the other hand, there are people like this who make this whole process much more complex.
It is such a shame for any educated person to play with other person’s life – be it a boy or a girl. My heart goes out to both these girls and pray Periyava to give them strength to brave the situation and wishing them a very happy future.
My sincere request to all parents – please do extensive research about boy or girl before you start progressing in the path of marriage. Spending more time upfront to eliminate any doubts would save thousands of hours and money down the line. Comparatively, finding out relevant details about someone in US is easier than in India as public records are pretty much available online and/or easily obtainable from govt offices. Second request – if you know about any background about someone and if your inputs are going to save someone, don’t be quiet – step-up and raise your voice. Your voice/alert could potentially save lots of inconveniences to many.
These are instances where HH Balaperiyava is very worried and talks a lot about how our culture is weakening and the need for us to become socially/culturally more united and bonded so that we know about each of us better. With technology, we are only drifting away from each other – what a shame!
On behalf of all of us, I pray to our acharyas to bless these two girls for very best life and future. We will leave it to Mahaperiyava on what to do with people who intentionally do harm.
I remember I posted one similar incident happened to one of our readers couple of years back. This girl recently contacted me to invite me for her wedding – I was quite happy although I couldn’t attend.
Hara Hara Sankara Jaya Jaya Sankara!
Categories: Devotee Experiences
I think we need to go our roots to solve this issue. We are discussing on the surface. There will be more differences than the solution. This is not about Boy or Girl.
Firstly simplicity is divine and complexity is devil. Unless we return back to our basics, these problems will remain with us. These can’t be solved by smartness or intelligence.
We have to return back to simple living and satvic food culture. Understand the morals and values of our roots. Too much of erratic expensive & lengthy rituals also have confused this generations. Over ambitious families were after money to prove a point to society was the spoil sport. End purpose of all rituals are understanding, peace and love.
We need to become a compassionate family first to become a compassionate society. For this, we need to move away from competition and luxury.
Less money and more time in our hands can only change the society. 40 years back we all have grown in such social fabric. Chasing money has divided our extended families and now breaking our nuclear family too.
The devil is always in the details.
How sad! I was dejected to read such incidents happening here and there. No doubt, as Sri Sridhar Garu said, parents and children are becoming greedier in materialistic world than understanding the value of life. Changing the past generation parents is impossible unless they realize themselves their mistakes. It is high time to the present day younger generations and young parents to re-look into their way of life. After all their children are going to be victims if not any corrective actions are taken.
We need cultivate good character and manners (Indian manners, don’t confuse with Western manners) right from childhood, but before that let’s stand a living example to our children. If we don’t follow, what moral right we have to command our children to follow?
The time one thinks of accumulating money and material is the very invitation to the problem begins. Enticing towards luxury life always leads to such calamity in human life. Being simple, living simple is the bottom line.
Whether it is difficult or tough, we need to pull back the vehicle to right track now.
Marriages are just done not performed nowadays. It is mere formality to combine two people rather than joining two families. No Shastram is being followed correctly, no Mantra is spelt or explained by Purohits correctly. I may be sound harsh but that’s bitter reality. We surely lack advising elders in the present days.
धर्मेच अर्थेच कामेच इमां नातिचरामि ।
धर्मेच अर्थेच कामेच इमं नातिचरामि ॥
[In essence it means – In my duty, in my financial commitments, in my needs, I will consult you, will take your consent and act upon. The first oath is taken by the groom and the second by the bride respectively thrice]
I wonder, any Purohit would explain these to couple in present day marriages. Such several Mantras are there. Neither family is interested in these nor the couple who is about to marry.
I still believe Maha Periva will change these sooner or later. Whom else I can seek from?
Very nice of you to have posted this as a caution to alliance seeking parents. Almost one or two families out of 5 are victims. Even a family known to me got their daughter married by spending beyond their capacity through borrowed money only to find that the boy a eunuch; as the marriage in effecte did not actually fructify and lasted only seven days, with mutual consent, legal separation took place. It may even be advisable to exchange medical records along with horoscope. Thank you.
“One person of integrity can make a difference.”
― Elie Wiesel
“I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides.”
― Elie Wiesel
You have made both the above statements relevant.
Thanks for bringing out such information.
Marriage as an institution, is unfortunately very much on the decline.
Many marriages are sanctified first under “materialism” and only then “hinduism”. Girl’s side are looking for a boy with a plush MNC job, own house, car etc.. The boy’s side are looking out for dowry, rich gifts, lavish wedding etc… Many are unaware of even what parameters constitute a good marriage! Periyava’s ideals on marriage is totally neglected.
Vaideekam, homam, mantram, other rituals… everything is rushed owing to a 2-day schedule. Almost always, short-cuts are employed. The boy (by now has forgotten all basic sandyavandana mantrams) invariably struggles to chant the mantras correctly. The marriage reception is usually a grand artificial show, where emphasis is on looking good. The couple inherently feel uncomfortable, yet put on a “front” and go through the motions. Ironically, the wedding is grand but matrimony is in poverty.
No longer is there a sense of respect, sacredness or sanctity in holy matrimony. Selfishness reigns. A sense of sacrifice, which is quintessential for any marriage, is totally lacking. Naturally, a garden variety of marital problems follow… if lucky they stay together and meander through married life, else they separate for good. (And perhaps remarry to repeat history!)
A life devoid of spirituality will eventually will lead to a decline in every sphere… including marriage.
PS: Above is NOT always the case. Just highlighting the general trend.
Thanks Mahesh for publishing this incident.
Such incidents are happening more on Indian soil, that too in the Brahmin families claiming to be devotees of Mahaperiyava. I have been one unfortunate victim of such a hoax (Where the boy hailed from USA). But thankfully we came out of the mess only due to the Abundant Grace of Mahaperiyava.
I fully agree with Vijaya, on her observations. Blaming the boy or girl is not the solution. It is the avarice and greed of Brahmin parents which has crept in, mostly in the last three decades that is responsible for such mishaps. The parents fail in their responsibility when they do not bring up their children in an atmosphere of truth, simplicity, empathy, contentment and devotion to God. If the children imbibe these qualities, at a young age, then such incidents will never happen. But unfortunately even Vaideeka parents want their children to learn-to-earn. Moral values of such children take a beating.
Lets see what Mahaperiyava has to say on this “பசங்களை சின்ன வயசிலிருந்தே நல்ல பழக்கங்களை சொல்லி கொடுத்து வளர்க்க வேண்டும். தெய்வ பக்தி என்பது அப்பா அம்மாவை பார்த்து வருவது. அப்பா அம்மா நல்ல பிரஜைகளாக இருந்தால் மட்டும் தான் பசங்களும் நல்ல பிரஜைகளாக வருவார்கள்.அதனால் முதலில் பெற்றோர்கள் ஒழுங்காக இருக்க வேண்டும்”.
Sri Venugopal’s observation is very pertinent but I think blaming the girls alone is not proper. The boys and their parents are also equally spoilt. Infact my friend who runs the Sathya Sai Centre at Sacremanto, California says that, among Indians, more girls and women come to the center for spiritual practices than boys and men.
To conclude, Mahaperiyava has told that we should NOT be looking only for the astrological matching and financial status of the families but give weightage to the character and conduct of the couple. His observation in Deivathin Kural is ‘’ குலம், குணம், கோத்ரம் பார்த்து கூடிய சீக்கரம் எளிமையாக கல்யாணம் பண்ண வேண்டும். கல்யாணத்தில் வைதீக கர்மாவிற்கு மட்டும் முக்கியத்துவம் கொடுக்க வேண்டும். சீர் செனத்தி வரதட்சினை அறவே நிறுத்த வேண்டும்”.
If only all of us follow these simple but profound teachings we can stop such incidents happening in future.
From what I heard this girl grew up in a very pious environment. However, your points are 100% spot-on….We can’t blame the boy/girl only – it goes beyond that..HH Balaperiyava is talking a lot about Pancha-dravida mindset and the need to be culturally soaked etc….Point I am trying to make is to be extra-careful and do more due-diligence before we go too far in the process.
I have mixed feeling about the post. It is not fair to be one sided, blaming the boy. Nowadays girls are highly independent,very strong, don’t want the husbands family, want only the husband. If the boy is weak, some of them separate him from his family. I think both parties including the parents are at fault. Raising children in faith, understanding each other and work toward a family togetherness were all (nurtured) done by women in the past. We probably lost it
I agree – that is why I mentioned that both parents have to be careful. However, I have to state exactly what I was told in this incident.
“கண்டதே காட்சி..கொண்டதே கோலம்” என வாழ்வதால் வரும் தீங்கு…சாஸ்திரம்,முன்னோர்கள் வாக்கு, நெறிகளை மறந்ததால் வந்த வினை. வெளிநாடுகளில் மட்டுமல்ல. இந்தியாவில், நம் தமிழ்நாட்டிலும் இதுதான் யதார்த்தம். பெண்குழந்தைகளை atleast 25 வயதிற்குள் மணம் முடிக்க வேண்டும்..மேலும் படி..வெளிநாட்டில் படி, அங்கேயே வேலை பார்….பணம் அனுப்பு..இப்படி பெண்களின் பெற்றோர்கள் இருக்கிறார்கள்..”என் பெண்ணுக்கு என்ன குறைச்சல்,.ராஜாத்தி மாதிரி..கைநிறைய சம்பளம்..இப்படி பெண்ணை பெற்றவர்களே கொம்பு சீவி விட்டு..30 வயதை கடந்தும் இருக்கிறார்கள்….கண்ணியமான ஆடைகள் அணிவது இல்லை..கடவுள் பக்தி இல்லை..கேட்டால் நாகரீகம்…பருவத்தில் செய்யாத பயிர் விளையுமா…முடிவு..குழந்தை இன்மை..பிறந்தாலும் குறையோடு..பின்பு ஜாதகம்,ஜோசியம்..பரிகாரம்..மணமுறிவு..
“மஹாபெரியவா நல்ல புத்தியை கொடுத்து எங்களை நீதான் காப்பாற்ற வேண்டும்” என வேண்டுவதை தவிர வேறு வழி???
Maheshji, This looks like Sivasankari’s 47natkal thodarkadhai which came
EXACTLY…I was telling about this movie to my cousin yesterday w.r.t this incident
Having elaborated all the story, why not mentioned the name of the boy
it is better if the names are published here so that people can spread the words and save lives of innocents.
That would be wrong and may involve legal issues. We do not know exactly what happened. We are reacting to hearsay